Bad news everybody. I thought that the virus of The Twilight Saga would be contained, and that they would adapt the four books of Stephenie Meyer’s breathtakingly retarded series into four films. But, in a move similar to what Warner Bros. has done with the (infinitely better) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the fourth installment, Breaking Dawn will be made into two movies.
Despite my incessant whining about these books, I actually have read them all. Both because even though they are TERRIBLY written, they are really addictive, and because I can now cite specific examples of why the series is so bad. I can hardly imagine Breaking Dawn as one movie, let alone two. Some reasons why (beware, spoilers ahead):
- Bella and Edward FINALLY have sex, and it is the most comically awful sex scene writing I have ever encountered. He literally breaks the headboard. It’s all just… really absurd.
- The only action in the whole book comes in Bella’s gruesome and nauseating childbirth scene, in which the baby not only breaks her spine, but Edward also performs a C-section… with his fucking teeth. HOW DOES ONE SHOW THAT IN A TEEN MOVIE?
- Also, how does one non-creepily portray the fact that a 17 year-old falls in love with a newborn baby?
- The antiquated views of womanhood are ESPECIALLY glaring in this one. Bella spends about… 70% of the book talking about how if she hadn’t been knocked up and turned into a vampire by Edward, she would have had some miserable, unfulfilled existence as a human. Because, ladies, without men, we couldn’t lead a viable existence.
- The big, climactic vampire battle in the end? Which could potentially have been REALLY COOL? They talk it out. Go fuck yourself, Stephenie Meyer.
So… it’s gonna be interesting. I would almost relish the fact that these movies are going to be really bad if there wasn’t such mania surrounding the release of these movies. Now this means that instead of four occasions on which I don’t want to leave my apartment or go on the internet for fear of being bombarded by Twilight shit, I now have to become a recluse five times. Fuck my life.
In other film-related news, AMC is once again doing it’s Best Picture showcase. The Best Picture showcase is a pretty sweet deal. It used to be that for $35, you got a pass that entitled you to watch the 5 nominated movies all in a row, with unlimited popcorn and soda. And because that is a really intense movie-watching schedule, you can also come and go as you please with the pass. This year, with the field expanded to ten, they’re doing things differently. In most cities, the showcase is spread over two weekends, February 27th and March 6th. In New York (and several other cities), it is one 24-hour long day of movies for $45 dollars.
Per the AMC Website (where you can also find more information), here’s the schedule:
Show Schedule:
12:01AM: AVATAR 3D
3:00AM: A Serious Man
5:00AM: Up 3D
7:00AM: District 9
9:10AM: Inglourious Basterds
12:00PM: The Blind Side
2:30PM: An Education
4:30PM: Precious
7:00PM: Up in the Air
9:30PM: The Hurt Locker
Pros: cool pass, ten movies for $45.
Cons: your sleep schedule will never be the same.
Weigh your options, movie-goers.
1) ladies can’t live without men. especially if those men are vampires.
2) you better have written this from the kitchen.
3) recluse… only five times? not buying it.
4) liveblog or livetweet the 24 hour movie marathon. i think we’d all enjoy your lapse into madness.